It Takes a Special Someone.

Me: "come here for a second" 

My wife: "Are you going to burp on me, or fart on me?"

The fact that this is the first question that comes to her mind is proof that she has lived through my torment. My wife probably has the most patience out of anyone I know. I still laugh when I fart, make blanket forts with my dachshund Ranger, and blow stuff up for a living for Christ's sake.  Quite frankly she married Peter Pan.For her to stick around for 6 years of my shit before I finally asked "THEE QUESTION!" is quite amazing, and still stuns me to this day. 

If I am in the other room and quiet for too long I will hear a concerned "what did you do?" come from the other room. If I walk through the door with a surprise behind my back she will back away nervously thinking I may have a bug, or something gross I found outside. Which is warranted, I tormented her for quite some time with a fake snake. She walks softly, and peaks around corners in her own home because ever since halloween my gorilla costume has made several guest appearances. 

At parties, and I've been drinking, my wife has the same look of a mom whose kid crapped in the sandbox at the park. Off color jokes, and passing out at weird places is nothing to her. One time at a coworkers house, I got drunk and figured it would be a good idea to hide from her in a closet. The awful thing about playing hide and go seek is when the seeker doesn't know they are playing, and you are stuck in a closet for quite some time. I was in the closet long enough to pass out...standing up. My rather large friend AZ helped me to the car for my wife, after finding me a half hour later. On the ride home we had a talk. 

"I can't believe you!" she exclaimed.

"What did I do this time?" I questioned.

"You were so drunk AZ had to carry you to the car"

"BULLSHIT, I JUST REALLY WANTED A PIGGY BACK RIDE!" was the obvious response. 

Lucky doesn't even begin to describe how I feel every time I wake up and I am still married to the most beautiful, patient, and understanding women in the world. And then I think NEENER NEENER NEENER, YOU CANT HAVE HER. 

Because I am mature and shit.