A few friends and I were invited to go to a party in East Lansing with some friends of a friends, friend. It just so happens that my friends friends friend only hangs out with douche bags with high school-esque facial hair.They must have made it into college on some sort of technicality. Their house was a typical college town rental, complete with stained carpet, the stench of Marlboro Reds, and a frigid breeze running through it. I should probably also mention that the only girls at this party were the girls that came with me but no big deal, I had been dating my now wife for a few years by then. This was more than a sausage fest it was more of a week long sausage convention where you could buy different sausage trinkets, and various sausage costumes, or maybe dine on gourmet sausages. I am not sure if it was my inability to listen to Nickelback, and Creed on repeat, or me being slightly misanthropic, but after being several adult beverages in I lost my fucking mind.
My partner in crime, and heterosexual life mate, Gabe was along for this trip. Gabe has been my friend since we were in Tiger Cub Scouts together, painstakingly crafting macaroni necklaces to give our mothers for christmas. I carried my heavily inebriated self to the top of the staircase with the grace of a coked up rhinoceros where the bathroom was and noticed Gabe waiting in line to piss. As Travis the bro-dude exits the bathroom, Gabe and I entered together (no homo). Being frequent drinking partners, and general soul mates, we have the same ideas when it comes to drinking. Hold off as long as possible as to not "break the seal" and half to piss all night. Well, like a couple of girls synchronizing our menstrual cycles, it was time to piss...for both of us. Gabe opted for the toilet, and I chose the sink as my urinal...fuck it wasnt my house. As I started to go the tiny devil that lives inside my head and tells me to do bad things started to fill my thoughts with evil shit to do. I pointed my man meat at the cup holding the tooth brushes. DIRECT HIT. Gabe noticing what was going on followed suit. Soggy toilet paper. I focused my attention on the shag rug on the floor. FUCK THE 70's! Gabe answered back with the bath towels. Next the shampoo, bars of soap, the drawers on the sink cabinet, the curtains, and even the walls were given a nice cote of piss for good measure. The entire time we were giggling, I could only imagine how this would look if we were walked in on.
Know the feeling when you realize you fucked up? The feeling when you get in the pit of your stomach when spill a cup of red soda on the carpet, or break a priceless vase your mom made while performing WWF moves from the top of the couch...yeah thats how I felt. We opened the door and were relieved to find that no one was waiting to use the now piss coated bathroom. We snuck down the stairs and casually told our friends "Holy fucking fuck, we fucked up we need to get the fuck out of here....NOW!" We grabbed our shit, because I'd be damned if these mongoloids were going to drink my liquor, and bolted out the door like we were fleeing Alcatraz.
For good measure as we were leaving Gabe and I conjured up some mystical piss and gave the door handles of their cars a quick squirt because assholes will be assholes, until the day they die.