Friday, February 18, 2011

Vanna White is Useless.

My Wife and I are like an old married couple. We both get home from work roughly around 1730, and we almost always sit down and watch Jeopardy, and Wheel of Fortune as one of us prepares dinner. But something has been bugging me lately.

What the fuck is she doing out there? Vanna walks around and simply touches a screen. She doesn't turn a letter around like she used to. The untrained eye would assume there is some sort of motion sensor, or switch she is hitting, but she never hits the same spot on a certain box. She could be brain dead, and not even know how to spell for all we know. She went from a respectable woman, with on the fly spelling skills, to a bimbo with an exorbitant amount of evening gowns.

Dont get me wrong, that 54 year old cougar is quite easy on the eyes, but what is the fucking point?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

How I Procured a Chinese Food Delivery Sign

So like all great stories this one starts out like this... I was really drunk. I was at a party with my brother, and a few family friends, and of course like all great drinkers know, nothing goes better with drinking than greasy nasty food. So either we walked there, or someone more than likely somewhat sober drove. I don't remember, and no one got hurt, so I will assume it never happened. You know what...someone definitely drove. Well we arrived at the drunk person Mecca, a place where the inebriated have been congregating for centuries to pray to the beer gods...Taco Bell, and ordered our food. After consuming its trashy goodness we were on our way. We strolled past a chinese food restaurant when I turned into a raccoon hopped up on Miller Lite. I was drawn to a shiny object. Imagine Smeagol from Lord of The Rings, but drunk. I saw a glowing beacon in the night.

Note: it was not a Hungry Howies sign, but this is the closest image I could find. 

I needed to have it. So I took it. I am an asshole, it's what we do. Unfortunately for me it was a bitch to get off, unfortunately for the sign I had beer strength. I grabbed on, bent my knees and deadlifted the sign right up and then leaned back and and the window kind of bent and released my prize. I figured I was free, and had just done the impossible, so I ran away briskly into the night. Logic must have escaped me, because like on every other light, there has to be a power source.

 I got about 6 feet from the car when the cigarette lighter style plug and cord became taught and dropped me on my ass. I looked like Stone Cold Steve Austin had just bounced off the ropes and delivered a massive forearm to my face, laying me out head over heels. As I came to my senses and realized that I had a bleeding lip from where the sign I was grasping smashed into my face at mach 3.  There was a hole through my bottom lip from where my teeth passed clean through. I also felt a pebble in my mouth that later turned out to be my right canine tooth that had chipped off into my mouth...DAMN I LEFT BEHIND DNA EVIDENCE! Imagine my confusion at the time to be laying on the ground thinking somehow pebbles were in my mouth.

Anyways we ran to the car and did what any sane person would do...celebrated our victory by displaying the delivery sign in the window of my brothers car. We arrived back at the party and proclaimed ourselves as their new god. Which the common mortals later accepted after I showed them my trophy. There were many cheers, and the people rejoiced. We continued the celebration with the common folk well into the wee hours of the morning.

Texts Between Hetero Life Mates

Discussing some life problems:

Discussing how the blog was taking off quite rapidly:

I am Running out of Ideas!

Friends, I need your help. I know a lot of you that read are actual close friends. And I know that I have done some dumb shit over the years. Unfortunately I am often intoxicated, and for the lack of better words...I forget. Some friends have already come forward with examples of things I have done. So far my hetero life mate Gabe is the only one to help, and I don't know if I want to tell everyone about that. 

However here is a copy of the text messages to give you a hint of what happened:

let me know by posting comments on this post

or texting me or calling me if you have my number

Not a Laughing Matter

While discussing how I would feel if we were to give birth to a female instead of male. (as if my boys could ever form a female.)

Sarah: "You would hate me if we had a girl"
Me: "No I would just have to teach them to only think about boobs, and the complexities of the wild cat offense"
Sarah: "HAHA very funny"