Friday, January 28, 2011

The Prank War of 2006

If I am guilty of anything, it is that I take things waaaaayyyy too far, and I am a hyper-competetive asshole. I hate being 2nd. I hate losing. I hate being got, or had. Hell, I flipped the game board over and went home early when I saw my defeat was imminent in a Disney trivia game at my mother-in-law's house. 

My friends and I were at a concert a couple cities over. The friends that we were going to meet back at my friend AJ's house left at the same time as us, but we stopped to get food. This quick stop gave them enough time to do something so vile, something so gross, something I had to outdo. When we arrived in my car we parked directly behind AJ's truck and noticed our friends were not there.  We sat in the car and made a phone call to make sure they were ok. They couldn't stop laughing, and dodged questions on where they were. I gave up and hung up the phone because I hate when people act dumb, and have an extremely short temper. We got out of the car  excited to start drinking "The Champagne of Beers". Little did we now our excitement would soon turn into confusion, and that confusion would soon turn into rage. 

There was a dead baby deer on the hood of AJ's truck, and the road-kill was covered unexplainably in macaroni and cheese. Don't worry, we were quite mindfucked as well. We now knew why they were not at the house anymore. 

And I hate being got. 

We went into the house and planned our revenge. We wandered around the house searching for ideas, but nothing compared to a rotting carcass on the hood of a car. So we slept on it. 

The next day when we woke up we were looking for something to eat for breakfast when we stumbled upon a goldmine in the back of AJ's fridge. Gabe's graduation party had been a few months earlier, yet the leftover food still remained hidden in the depths of the fridge. We pulled back the foil encasing the leftovers to reveal a middle school science project growing. The mold was molding. We then knew what we had to do. 

Later that evening, we called our enemies over for drinks. They were hesitant, but we informed them that we weren't mad and that we thought it was actually quite funny. When we had confirmed that they were on the way we set up shop. The corner of AJ's yard has a large pine tree about 5 feet from the driveway. All of the moldy disgusting food that would give Bill Nye a raging science boner was placed behind the pine tree to wait out our guests. While hanging out Gabe and I slipped out and covered their car in filth, and casually walked back inside, and continued the party.

Then it was time for them to leave. They got outside and flipped the fuck out. 

If you cant stand the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen. 

This part of the story is fuzzy. They did something that made me flip out, but I don't remember at all. But  I had to get them back. I HATE being 2nd to anyone. 

We went to our traditional post drinking spot, the chinese buffet. We loaded up on the same shit-tier quality chinese food that we always eat while hungover and went home. I had to get back, I had to get even. AJ's house is always fucking filthy. His mom leaves town for the summer, and left the house to us. And naturally three 19 year olds fucked shit up. His house was kind of like an episode of hoarders, but we didn't have mental instability, we were just lazy. on the coffee table there were about 10 large McDonald's cups. Then it hit me. These cups will be how we deploy liquid hell on the enemy. We found the grossest shit we could find in the house. 

Beans, rotten bread, stale beer, spit, hair, pubes, snot, cigarette ashes, piss, and dirt was put into all of the cups. We were out of supplies and ideas when something started to rumble. 

I take things way too far. 

That rumble was a mixture of Miller High Life, and poorly executed chinese food not settling too well in my gut. This putrid combo was brewing in my belly and had to be released. I grabbed the remaining cup and ran to the bathroom. The angle wasn't quite right, and I wasn't about to try and shit standing up, so I sat down on the edge with my bare ass hanging into the tub. I grabbed the cup and prepared for the foul anal blast that was about to erupt from my gut. 

It was mustard yellow, and smelled of death. The cup was sealed with saran wrap, then duct tape, followed by the lid, more duct tape, and then the entire bomb was wrapped again in saran wrap. 

We waited til night fall and drove to our friends house. Their lights were out, and the plan was set in motion. We snuck up to the house and poured all of the cups onto the car finishing it up with a diarrhea racing stripe down the middle of the car. 

The next day the enemy quickly sent their white flag up via text message to save the shame, of hearing me gloat, and howl an annoying shit eating laugh. We knew we had won. Unfortunately the victory was bittersweet. Part of me was sad to see it end, however I am still to this day convinced, that if we had let this continue, someone would have died. 

 I didn't get pranked on too much after that day.


  1. Damn story! You long. Pretty hilarious though.

    Also, turn off your capcha, newbie.

  2. Ha nice one! I love pranks good job

  3. Its good that your competitive in life!

  4. tl;dr..
    I followed you though :D
    Follow back Ja? <3