Telling an 8 year old how to deal with a tattle tale in school:
"You know there is this ancient chinese proverb that goes like this: Snitches get Stitches"
Helping a friend with lady advice.
"Put it in her butt...she'll come back for sure." (she called him the next day, fuckers!)
To the wife when she worked in a salon in Lansing:
"If all else fails, just firebomb the place."
To my wife on being alone when I had to work through the night:
"My gun is loaded, if someone breaks in, shoot them until they don't move anymore, then call me, then I will call the cops"